Restriction is the removal or reduction of choice.
Restricting, limiting or shutting down spending is the most common piece of financial “wisdom” that I have to deprogram with my clients. Keep reading for why I hate restriction and what I teach my clients instead.
Approximate read time: 4 minutes
I know you’ve probably had the “tool” of restriction modeled for you many, many times. So many times, in fact, that it seems like not only is cutting out “unnecessary” spending the best tool for making better choices, but it may seem like it is the ONLY tool.
Let’s talk about why restriction is actually sabotaging your attempts to make better choices (financial and otherwise)
Restriction is emotional
Restriction is the removal or reduction of choice. Our brains do not function well under limited choices (even if it’s just the perception of a reduction of choice)
Choice means control, and control means safety and survival. When we restrict ourselves, we signal to our brains that we are in a time of scarcity, and our brains respond with a sense of crisis, panic, or anxiety. At the same time as we’re putting our brains into a state of crisis, we are also expecting ourselves to magically make better decisions. The results are predictable and dangerous.
Restriction is punishment
The short answer is that guilt, shame, regret, remorse, or in any way punishing ourselves for our past mistakes is the only tool many of us have been given to try to make better choices in the future. And if these “corrective” strategies are the only tools you’ve ever been given, of course they are the only tools you can use.
In my coaching I often hear people trying to “teach themselves a lesson” through shame, guilt, and punishment, even if they’re just telling themselves they should be doing this, or should stop doing that. Shame and guilt are very subtle and can sneak into our decision making. And sometimes we can actually get things done by making ourselves feel like garbage, and sometimes we can’t. This inconsistency registers as failure on our part… like somehow you’re shaming yourself wrong. Failure on top of failure. Pressure on top of pressure.
Our brains do NOT make good decisions under pressure, but we do make fast decisions under pressure. We tend to focus on scarcity when we’re under pressure, and will often seek out restrictions as further ways to make “good decisions”. Make no mistake, though, decisions made under the influence of restriction, shame, or guilt are deeply emotional decisions.
Emotions are tools, and are important to our decision making, but that doesn’t mean we need to make decisions from an emotional place. And I know I’m repeating myself, but making decisions from a place of guilt or restriction is a profoundly emotional way to make decisions.
Restriction results in rebellion and resentment
The pressure of choices made from guilt, regret, shame, or restriction frequently result in two things that can look like a personality defect. Rebellion and resentment. And for most folks, both rebellion and resentment at the same time.
Our brains don’t know the difference between being shamed or restricted by an outside influence, or us shaming or restricting ourselves. A normal, healthy human brain will respond to restriction (having choices removed) or shame (pressure) with rebellion and resentment. This is important. If you can keep a restrictive budget for only so long before you rebel against it or get angry with yourself, that is the NORMAL reaction.
But like I said above, if restriction, shame, guilt, and regret are the only tools that you’ve ever been given to make good choices, they are the only tools you’ll be able to use. So what tools do I teach instead?
I teach people how to trust themselves, to be resilient, and to be aware of their own behavior (choices) without judgment. When a person can do that, they can build adaptive, personalized spending around themselves, and most importantly, they can practice expected spending, not restricted spending.
If you want to make better choices (financial or otherwise) WITHOUT restriction, learn to trust yourself with money again!
Want more on financial stress and trusting yourself with money? Try this article
Want to read more on emotional decision making? Try this article
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