Getting Your Spouse to Meet With a Financial Coach For Couples is No Small Feat

It doesn’t matter if you’re still dating or have been together for decades, if even the thought of getting your spouse to get financial coaching with you fills you with dread, read on.

Approximate read time: 3 minutes

Not Being Able to Talk About Finances May Mean Your Relationship is in Danger

But it certainly doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause.  More often than not, if you’re uncomfortable bringing up the topic of money (or financial coaching), your partner is too!  That’s good news!  That discomfort means you both may be ready for growth and change.

So How The Heck Do You Even Approach The Topic of Meeting a Financial Coach For Couples?

I’m not going to lie to you. This part is hard. And it sucks. There is no perfectly right way to do this. And trying to convince, beg, threaten, or compel them most likely will have disastrous consequences.

Being brave and honest about what’s going on with YOU is the best way to request your partner join you in seeking a couple’s financial coach, and it’s the best way to increase the likelihood that they actually will show up to coaching willingly.

Your feelings of trepidation are important, so try hard not to shut them down. Those fears point to one or more unmet needs that are likely core to the work that needs to be done during coaching.

I recommend using a framework like Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to broach the topic of financial coaching with your partner.

Why NVC?

Focus On Your Unmet Needs, Not Blame

Here’s how someone might ask their spouse to get financial coaching in a way that’s focused on hurt and blame:

“Every time we try to talk about budgeting you hurt my feelings.   You yell, and you don’t listen to me!  If you don’t see this financial coach with me I’m going to leave you.”

Let’s try this again, using the Nonviolent Communication elements:

Observation:  I noticed that when we talk about money, I feel my chest tighten up and my jaw clenches (focused on non-judgmental observations)
Feeling: I feel hurt and frustrated  (focused on what you are feeling)
Unmet need: I need to feel connected and in agreement with you (not I feel hurt because YOU are doing this or that)
Specific Request: Interview some financial coaches (focused on a positive, actionable request, not a demand)

Here’s what it might sound like to ask for the same thing in a different way:

“I noticed that when we talk about money, I feel tense.  I think I’m anxious because being in agreement with you is important to me.  Would you be willing to meet with a few financial coaches with me?”

Notice how the speaker is taking responsibility for their own feelings AND needs. There is no blame here. The speaker followed that communication of their feelings and needs with a specific request.

Focus on making a request, not a demand

Here’s another example of where we don’t want to end up:

“I can’t handle this anymore.  You shut down every single time I try to show you the spreadsheet.  I worked hard on this.  This is important and you’re not taking this seriously.”

Let’s try this one again using the NVC steps:

Observation: I notice you get quiet when we talk about money
Feeling: I feel annoyed
Unmet need: paying bills on time and saving money is important to me
Specific Request: look for financial coaches with me tonight

“I notice you’re getting quiet as we are talking about the budget. I feel annoyed because paying bills on time and saving money is important to me. Would you be willing to research some financial coaches with me right now?”

You’re not doing anything wrong

Money, budgeting, and talking about spending seem like it should be the easiest thing in the world, right? Just sit down and do it! And I’d bet you’ve tried that, only to end up stuck in the same conversation over and over, each of you feeling like you need to defend yourself.

Everyone feels unsafe, and no one feels heard.

Your Path to Comfortable, Healthy Financial Conversations Starts With THIS Conversation

As you practice asking your partner to join you in financial coaching, be mindful that this is the beginning. I can’t be there in the room with you but know that I’m rooting you on.

Be gentle with yourself AND your partner.

You are so much closer to having peaceful, productive financial conversations with your partner than you might think!

Your Very Next Steps

So you did the brave, hard thing and asked your partner to interview some financial coaches with you!  And they agreed!  If you are both serious about getting started on trusting yourselves and each other with money, let’s find 45 minutes to talk next week!

Next Recommended Article: Five Signs You Need a Financial Coach


Ready to Meet With a Financial Coach for Couples in California, New York, Texas, or Anywhere Else in the United States?

Is financial stress causing tension in your relationship? It’s time to take control of your financial future together. Join our couples’ financial coaching program at Pacific Stoa and learn to manage your money and have open, productive conversations about your finances with the help of a financial coach for couples. Strengthen your relationship and secure your financial well-being – take the first step toward a healthier financial future as a couple. Follow these three simple steps to get started:

1. Reach out to me to schedule an appointment for your first financial coaching session

2. Begin meeting with me, Hanna Morrell, a skilled financial coach for couples

3. Start overcoming the financial stress in your relationship!

Other Services Offered at Pacific Stoa

At Pacific Stoa, I want to make sure you have everything you need when it comes to managing your finances. So in addition to helping couples overcome financial stress in Financial Coaching for Couples, I also provide Financial Coaching for IndividualsFinancial Coaching for Divorce and Separation, and Financial Coaching for Families. I also offer Financial Consulting for Nonprofits and Businesses to help create a customized strategy built specifically for you, your organization, and those you serve. Check out my FAQ to learn more about Financial Coaching and my Blog!